Zombie Prepardness: Centers for Disease Control

The CDC recently posted on their Emergency Preparedness and Response blog Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse. How cool is that!

If you're ready for a zombie apocalypse, then you're ready for any emergency. emergency.cdc.gov
 I’ve been saying this for years!

While I’m pleased the CDC recognizes the undead threat (completely justifying my entire existence) and provides decent input on emergency preparedness kits for your home and family, I am somewhat disappointed too. At no time do they address tactics, techniques, and procedures to confront/evade the hordes of undead as they methodically advance brutally satiating their hunger for human flesh and brains. The CDC’s general emergency preparedness instructions are sound but here in the Camp of the Praetorians we are inundated with A type personalities and our response to the plague of undeath is somewhat more predatory.  I mean really, what kind of zombie preparedness plan doesn’t even mention flame throwers?

In an effort to help save humanity from succumbing to the zombie virus I offer some suggestions for items you may want to add to your emergency bug out gear in the event of the Zombie Apocalypse.

The largest debate between zombie aficionados seems to be about weapons. Arguments rage over whether it is better to carry guns vs hand weapons. If guns then what type? If hand weapons what type? Is it better to have a weapon to help maintain distance from the undead? I will attempt to simplify the final answer on this discourse and provide some illumination on the subject of weapons and weapons of opportunity.

When it comes to hand weapons there are those advocating for the judicious use of baseball bats and others for machetes. Let’s get some things straight first:

1.  There is a difference between a weapon and a weapon usable tool. It is wise to consider a tool’s primary function when deciding its violent application in any given situation. If its primary intended design and use is for a battlefield then generally you can’t go wrong even against zombies.

2.  Everyone knows you can only eliminate zombies by killing the brain. When debating a weapon’s effectiveness against hordes of undead I always consider the likelihood of traumatic brain injury caused to a regular human.  In the example of a bat vs. machete I suspect more people would receive a traumatic brain injury from the bat.  It would be quite feat of strength to sever someones head in one or two blows of a machete. Hammer a few nails into the bat and you’re really in business.

3. In any situation involving violence against zombies, werewolves, aliens, or the Taliban America’s 1stSgt generally relies on the tried and true mission of the Marine Corps rifle squad as the formula for success: Locate, close with, and destroy the enemy by fire and maneuver or repel enemy assault by fire and close combat.

With these points in mind I have listed a few of my preferences below for zombie apocalyptic war gear.

Here we have a Cold Steel Trenchhawk, my personal preference for close quarters plague victim  elimination. This was designed solely to brain another human being which makes it the perfect hand weapon for our purposes. I am also told by blacksmiths who work forges at the historical Williamsburg, VA smithy that tomahawks are primarily an above the neck weapon. Functionality and history both back my claim making this my hand weapon of choice during the plague of undeath.

Pictured here is another great piece of gear. The Applegate/Fairburn smatchet (short for smashing hatchet) is 16.5 inches of pure combat blade. It is based off a Welsh fighting knife from WWI. I personally know of a Marine colonel who smacked someone on the top of the head with the flat of the blade knocking them unconscious. Again, history and practical application make this a preferred weapon particularly against filthy zombie scum.

Let’s move on to weapon usable tools. By this we mean a contrivance whose primary function and design is NOT warfare and the destruction of human tissue.

Above we have a Dead On Tools 14 inch wrecking bar. It’s primary function is to chisel, smash, crack and chip away at tile, brick or for other pry bar uses. Dead On Tools advertises it as “…the baddest, meanest utility bar EVER. The Annihilator will make short work of the most difficult jobs!” Presumably this could include the cracking open of zombie skulls. It also might be handy as you try to break down doors and such evading the undead menace.

This is a Dead On Tools shingle hammer. I included this to point out how I believe a hammer is probably the single best expedient hand weapon in the “arsenal” of the average person. One has to consider the amount of traumatic brain injury which can be dished out with a nice hammer vice any other expedient weapon. Hmmmmmm…brain injury…

On firearms: I will keep this simple as there even more arguments raging over firearms than zombies. Considering the average person couldn’t hit the side of a barn with a hand gun I am going with the shotgun as number one zombie elimination and defense weapon.  If you miss the head you are bound to hit something and let’s face it, the human body can only take so much punishment before it falls apart undead or otherwise.

I am partial to the Saiga 12 in this instance. It is a semi-automatic, magazine fed shotgun which makes me shiver with delight. Load this monster up with a 20 or 30 round drum magazine and you just may be able to save your entire neighborhood single handed!

And finally…

There are a lot of haters out there when it comes to the use of Japanese swords against the undead.  But we should remember these weapons were specifically designed to separate people from their limbs and heads. Pictured here is an odachi. It is 70 ounces and at a length of 57 inches guaranteed to slay any creatures stalking your neighborhood. If you see the pictures at the top of my blog you will notice I have some modest training with these weapons and can cleave the &*#%$ out of any undead spawn in the blink of an eye.

At any rate, I hope this helps you round out your Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Kit thereby making you harder to kill during the next outbreak.

Semper Fidelis!

America’s 1stSgt

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  1. I was chatting with a Korean War Veteran at a Toys for Tots function back in the day and he told me if they had had short swords with them in Korea more of them would have survived the hand-to-hand combat they experienced.

    As with any weapon it would require training…but isn’t that what we are all about?

    Thanks for the great post. I reposted you on my blog. Stay hard, stay safe. Semper Fi.

  2. Thanks for the advice.

    I think i’m sorted for now – i have two ice axes and a decent selection of hammers and pry bars. Now just to move to fortified tower in the woolly wilds of Northumberland, & buy myself a trebuchet…

  3. I’ve been looking for the appropriate 33rd Anniversary gift for my wife. The Saiga 12 is perfect. The zombie apocalypse will cut a wide berth around our neighborhood.

  4. I think I’d take Coldsteel’s war hammer over that first option. Wouldn’t want to get a pointy end stuck in decaying flesh only to get swarmed by other Zombies. Much rather the hammer so I could go Thor on ’em. …but that just an old sailor talking. Standby to repel boarders.

  5. Okie, I just finished reading Give Me Tomorrow (linked on main page). Great story about George Company during the breakout in Chosin. Thanks for reposting me!

    Kelly, I’m not so jazzed about the CDC determining the extent of infection either. They should all carry fire axes.

    Magoo, ice axes, sounds positively violent! Instead of a trebuchet invest in some attack dogs trained to rip zombie heads off.

    Greenpoet, dude, you are like a total romantic!

    be603, the warhammer is an outstanding option. The spike on the Trenchhawk is about 2.5 inches wide so I am not too worried about it getting hung up in anyones brain pan. Also, one really doesn’t need to keep the axe sharp since it is designed to hack vice slice anyone. The same goes for swords frankly.

  6. Hammer, pry bars, swords would be the only legal options here in good old Germany.

    Maybe I should sign up for some martial arts training. I would have to move but …

    Which one should I choose?
    Kendo and Ninjitsu would be great. Ninjitsu has a long list 😮 of various weapons. And they would have the coolness bonus, too! 😀

    Also, swords never run out of ammo!

  7. WAAAHAHAHAHA! Obession validated by the goverment? Check! Excuse to buy more stuff? Check! Now if only thier were a way to ensure I don’t turn into a zombie in the onset……..

  8. I just found a poster to put near your anti-zombie-kit. So you always know – even in the rush of a surprise zombie attack – how to use your az-kit properly.

    Or for other people to know what to do, just in case.

  9. Attack dogs? Pffft. Dogs are good at nerve damage/paralysis and blood loss, not severe head trauma or decapitation. Could be pretty useful as a warning system and for sniffing out the undead though.

    Besides, i want a castle and a trebuchet and hubs won’t let me get either without a good excuse.

  10. Levant, not sure what if available near you training wise but I advise training in a weapons based martial art. Then again, it really has to do with what you want out of it.

    Grendel, let’s hope your robust constitution and outer layer of “bronze” manages to repel infection.

    Magoo, dogs are excellent for letting you know when someone who doesn’t belong is in your AO. Plus they can run interference with the zeds while you make a getaway. Your hubs doesn’t want a castle and trebuchet? Is he feeling ok?

  11. OOOOHHHH “Applegate/Fairburn smatchet” My last name + a cool weapon – does this mean I get one free from the manufacturer? After all, they ARE using my name…
    That, plus a 12 g Mossberg and plenty of ammo.

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