What are we fighting for?

Considering the last couple of posts authored by me were about my personal training I imagine most of you think I endure all of it honing my combative skills in an effort to protect the innocent, liberate the oppressed, or otherwise stand in the gap against the odious armies of darkness and save little babies. It’s an egregious lie and I will set the record straight immediately.

The reason I participate in such arduous training isn’t to protect children; it’s to DEFEAT them.

Here is photographic evidence of an unprovoked attack by a cell of kids who mistakenly thought I was a soft target. This merely proves what many of us have suspected for some time: Children are dangerous and a dire threat to Western Civilization as we know it.


I managed to keep the conflagration contained to the den for at least an hour as bodies were carelessly hurled into couches; wedgies, noogies, and horse bites were dispensed at a cyclic rate.


The little demons resorted to breaking out various weapons from a seemingly inexhaustible cache. I was beginning to lose the arms race.


Despite their violent gun play my superior skills overcame their technological advantage and the battle ended badly for them.


There is only one time proven technique to truly defeat the chaos of marauding children: the application of discipline. Of which, I happen to carry around a good dose of at all times.


Note the sadistic joy the younger sister takes at her brothers’ expense. It’s all about divide and conquer; besides as Robert Heinlein says: Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.


In the end there is nothing like pushups to confound evil forces and send them packing right back into the kitchen ensuring the dishes get done right this time.


America’s 1stSgt; keeping adults sane one pushup at a time.

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11 comments

  1. My monitor needed cleaning, just not with iced tea 🙂
    Thank you First Sargent, wonderful memories, err thoughts errr instructions err hmm, wonderful!

  2. Omg (bahahahahahahahahaha!!!)…I go out of town for a few days…finally get some time to pop open my laptop and woke up my neighbors in the next room, I suspect! This is h-i-l-r-i-o-u-s. Thanks for helping out with child rearing. I knew there was a reason I keep you around, brother. 😉

  3. Coffey, truth be told the wrestling match ended when someone pushed their younger brother who fell off of me and landed his knee in his sister’s eye. Fortunately no black eye (which I thought would look cool) but certain heroics were required on my part.

    T, my immediate response to your comment would only cause others to further question the state of my already inflamed self esteem.

    Ally, let that be a lesson to you! No ice tea in the Camp of the Praetorians.

    Hope, I thought it was for the abuse?

    CI Roller, whatta mean? I totally kicked their tail feathers off!

  4. Re pushups – my Sgt Instructor alternated w/bends and thrusts, many many of them. Something about spreading the fun, why let the chest & arms hog it all? Looks like those kiddos could use a double running of the O course to wear them out…

  5. Pax, Creampuff? Really?

    Jim, during the thrashing pictured the boys really didn’t last too long on push ups so we went to squats. Then I settled on jumping jacks for a while. After that they really didn’t have much so I pretty much kept yelling: “Push ups! Jumping Jacks! Push ups! Jumping Jacks!” This amounted to what is basically a squat thrust as they got up and down up and down a bunch of times.

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