Weekend Zombie Fun!

Since this weekend wraps up Zombie Awareness Month I figured that I would share this with everyone and have a little fun. Kanani over at the Kitchen Dispatch posted this gem in my honor recently: THE ROAD TO MOLOCH.

In the past I have commented on why Marines tend to sneer at Hollywood due to their general misrepresentation of the military and the Marine Corps in particular. Although The Road To Moloch was kind of fun to watch my critical 1stSgt’s eye still blazed at the various instances of wrongness portrayed by the “Marines” in the film.

Close up view of my critical 1stSgt’s Eye.

So go ahead and watch the short film first then read on as I hack away at it because I can. I’ll be standing by.

I said click on the link above! Stop reading and watch the film already!

Done? Okay.

If America’s 1stSgt were in the movie certain things would have gone differently. Never mind the Marines would have been crucified by me for not having any eye protection, no gloves, driving around in a single vehicle convoy (no one does that!), with the ballistic windows down, (do you want to die?), or wearing those goofy shoulder pads that Marines do not wear. By the way, if seven U.S. servicemen went missing in a span of two days the entire AO would have come to a screeching halt as every unit would’ve conducted an account of where all their personnel were. Call me a nit picker, it’s my job.
Shepard’s loose pony tail dangling outside her helmet would have forced me to grab her by the hair and throw her over the horizon. Frazer would have had his eyelids sawed off with the ace of spades card right after I plucked it off his helmet. Hey Marines, what good are the optics mounted on your rifles if you go on patrol with the protective caps on? Really? Do I need to kill you with my bare hands?

I have never once in 18 years heard anyone say the words: “Now that’s an order!” Seriously, can we have a military movie where no one says that line? My other favorite piece of dialog: “I said ooh-rah!” My desire to cause someone physical pain nearly overwhelms me just for having heard it.

By the way, the last time anyone abandoned their HMMWV in Iraq to go spelunking it ended up looking like this when they came back.

This is why the zombie was walking through the desert at the end of the movie!

Lastly, let me point out something nearly everyone seems to forget about U.S. Marines. We are successful because we do everything together. It may sound trite but we win because we are a team. Marine fire teams do not enter demon possessed zombie caves all alone. We roll deeper than that. Marine NCOs don’t hang out chasing zombies down insurgent caverns by themselves. They say: “Let’s get the %&$# out of here!” Then call all their friends in the nearest Regimental Combat Team to kick the crap out of the entire mountain range.

I could go on and on here gang.

Next time you need zombies or other demonic creatures dealt with just contact me, please?

Semper Fi,
America’s 1stSgt

/ / / /

29 comments

  1. Rest easy, 1st Sgt, in the event of a zombie invasion, I’m all for calling in the real Marines. No Hollywood Marines need apply. God bless ya’ll!

  2. Call you? Heh!

    If & when the Zombie apocalypse occurs I intend to make my way (with all haste & speed)to where-ever a marine unit is and place myself behind them and danger.

    SO it’s more like “wave at you as I’m seeking strategic cover”

    Pax
    [definately NOT a dummie!]

  3. I’ve got one just like you at home. Anything with police in it, he pulls it to bits, usually prefacing the ensuing rant with a “if he was in my unit…” or a “that’s ridiculous, under Section 17c of the Road Traffic Act 1982…” or a “have they had no crime scene training?” or a “why is he going in there first? They’ve got guns and he isn’t even wearing so much as a stab vest…”

    So naturally, TV cop shows are my favourite viewing… wind him up and watch him go 🙂

    Bwah ha ha ha haaaa, etc.

  4. Top,
    First off, I hope you and your Marines will have a good BBQ this weekend–while you’re still on watch. (The best BBQ I ever had was with the 2nd Mar Div on 4Juy05).
    When I started to watch the “Hurt Locker” and the “Green Zone” I almost threw up.
    But then it hit me:
    These were made by the Hollywood pukes who also made things like Star Trek and Avatar

    It’s all Fiction! Fantasy crap from folks who have no idea.

    The only thing I’ve seen lately that was good was “Generation Kill.”
    —because, I think, they actually got real Marines who were there to help make the movie.

    I still thank the Marines for giving my team ammo when we got to Fallujah in 04.

  5. Oddly enough in today’s electronic society I read books, in which a good portion get turned into movies. Hey CI-Roller Dude the book Generation Kill was FARRRR better than the movie. The book One Bullet Away by LT Fick who was the LT in Generation Kill was also good. In fact I have read so many milbooks (we’ll call them) that I annoy other civilians on the off chance I do actually watch a war movie. Oh and CI some of the original unit members were brought on set to help the actors playing them while making Generation Kill. Maybe that’s why it didn’t suck zombie butt?

  6. They were going to make a movie about the Battle of Fallujah…
    At first they were going to get Harrison Ford to play my part….
    But after the director saw me in person, he felt maybe one of the 3 stooges would be more correct’er.

  7. After I retire I plan on remaking horror films playing myself. I’m thinking these movies will not last any longer than 5 to 10 minutes including the credits. Each script, with some slight variation, will go something like this:

    America’s 1stSgt innocently vacationing in remote national park somewhere in North America.

    A1S: “Ahhhhh! Isn’t nature great?”

    Suddenly, mutant cannibals wielding meat cleavers and a charcoal grill appear with bad culinary intentions.

    A1S: “Holy crap!”
    BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!

    Gun smoke swirls across dead cannibal corpses.

    Roll credits.

  8. Did anyone else notice the graffiti in the cave? I don’t think there are crips or bloods in the middle of the Iraqi desert (unless it’s in an Army AO). I personally think A1S should be the one with the meat cleaver and bbq grill attacking the undead.

  9. 1stSgt Burke,

    I think there’s a zombie in my closet.

    And also, I have a bag full of high speed low drag gear that I’ll be dispersing among warriors in different regions of the world (only it’s not really high speed low drag – just good stuff) and I’m wondering if you have any Marines that maybe don’t get a lot of mail? If so, feel free to email me at christina.fawn@glorygutsandglitter.com.
    Hope you all find some time to enjoy the holiday.

    Semper Fi

  10. 1st Sgt… I am thinking in order to make your movies more interesting… and longer than 8 seconds your weapon of choice should be that 2 X 4 Marine smile you were telling me about, with a sling shot for back up =)

  11. cleve, although the idea being the terror of the undead appeals to me there is a reason we invented gunpowder. I am all about getting my hands on a force multiplier when I can.

    Christina, if you did laundry more often the zombies wouldn’t feel inclined to wander in there. Will get back to you on the mail issue most sukoshi.

    Kristina, sorry, you will have to try harder to trick me into posting incriminating photos of me actually smiling.

  12. Incriminating photo Thursday, April 29, 2010 blog post at the bottom. But then, you can kick zombie but while smiling, I don’t think it is against the rulz.

  13. applegoat, you sold me out. Noted.

    Kanani, don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the zombies too. It was the “Marines” that bothered me a little though. I am flattered that any film involving Marines and zombies made you think of me though. 🙂

  14. 1st Sgt am I going to have to worry about applegoat’s safety? Cause I think you’d be a more effective Zombie Killer with that smile =] As far as Marine’s Smiling Christina sent me video with 25 smiles from different Marines, apparently you’re NOT the only one. Huh…

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