Twas The Night Before Christmapocalypse

Well, I just couldn’t resist…

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the area
The dead had arisen, spreading plague and hysteria.
Boards were hammered over the windows with care,
In hopes the undead wouldn’t break in there.

The children were frightened, hiding in their beds,
With visions of corpses eating the brains in their heads.
Mamma and I stood guard back to back,
Afraid to nod off in case of zombie attack.

When out on the lawn there arose such a sound,
Moaning undead were going to break the door down.
In came the windows with a thunderous crash,
We fled upstairs attempting to save our hash.

Moonlight and a blast of new-fallen snow,
Accompanied the hordes of zombies below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But America’s 1stSgt in full war gear!

With a shotgun fed by a drum magazine,
Violently dispatching the foe and wreaking havoc obscene.
The muzzle of his weapon erupted with flame,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them foul names!

“You hookers! You dirtbags!” he cursed as he fought.
As zombie brains exploded with a well aimed head shot.
He cleared the front porch! He cleared the front hall!
Casually bashing their heads as if playing base ball.

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
Zombies skulls were caved in or were shot in the eye.
Until none but the 1stSgt stood alone on the floor,
Our living room now dripping and covered with gore.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Heel stomping the head of a corpse that still jerked.
Surveying the scene he gritted his teeth,
Red mist and gun smoke encircled his head like a wreath.

Then he gave me the finger as his voice rose,
“You kind of suck at this! Your security blows!”
The glare of his eye and the way he spent lead,
Made me more fearful of him than of the undead!

He lectured us on gun safety and proper E&E plans,
Signed autographs for the children his #1 fans.
“Kids remember, steady squeeze of the trigger, control of your breath,
 and only shots to the head will defeat the plague of undeath.”

Then he sprang into action and let out a roar,
Back into the darkness to wage zombie war.
But I heard him exclaim, โ€˜ere he lept out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

/ / / /

22 comments

  1. You constantly impress me with your various talents and abilities. BTW I thought of you today when my boys were watching old Transformer cartoons and Megatron used dark Allspark magic to raise dead Autobots & decepticons… that’s right ZOMBIE TRANSFORMERS!!!

  2. I have my 12 Gag Benelli loaded with several round of 00 buck, as well as my M4 and misc handguns loaded with SXT rounds.
    All locked and loaded standing by for the dead to arise.

    (top, I’m afraid too many people don’t understand how bad this can get.)

    Merry Christmas and I know I’ll sleep well tonight knowing you guys are on duty.

  3. Bravo! I’m just dying to know, did you write that 1stSgt? (Not the brain-eating kind of dying, more the adoring and terrified fan kind of dying, no chik-chik necessary!)

  4. Mark, thanks! You can usually count on the area being zombie free after I have arrived on the scene.

    Leslie, I am so totally jealous! As far as videos go I have long thought of remaking classic horror type movies staring me. I think they would each last 5 mins and would all end with gunfire and/or an overwhelming amount of violence of some kind.

  5. Aaaaaaaaaaaww, cute ๐Ÿ™‚
    Hope you had a good zombie-free xmas.

    Are we to expect a reworking of Dicken’s “A Christmas Carol” for next year? Please say yes…

    Re your movie career, thought of you when i saw this:
    http://xkcd.com/734/
    Except i’d skip the romcom ending, if i were you.

  6. Great stuff!! XD

    Pax wouldn’t be that way without an A1S feeding her(?) with new ideas. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Btw: This proves you to be wrong in all the right ways. ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜‰

  7. Leslie, yes, in my version I call 911 AFTER I empty the magazine.

    Magoo, well, at least I have a year to work on it. I seem to be developing a Christmas theme though. The cartoon was great!

    Levant, I suppose I do tend to have a negative influence in that regard.

    Berkley! Do your parents know you are trolling my blog? ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Top,
    Thanks for the Ammo link…I must remind others to make sure whatever Zombie ammo you use, make sure it functions 100% in your weapon(s).
    3 inch magnum buck shot is among the best, and 185 grain HP for .45.

    Have a wonderful New Years!

  9. Cleve, happy new year to you as well. My new year post should be up shortly.

    CI Roller, sound advice from a professional. I expect nothing less from those that have a seat in my bunker during a ZA (zombie apocalypse) scenario.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

you may like this post