Things Your SgtMaj Hates: Online Training

There are a number of annual training requirements we have to meet in the Marine Corps. It being the 21st Century, some of those have to do with cyber awareness and protecting information of various kinds.  Since common sense is not a common virtue we are all subjected to online training in protecting personally identifiable information and classified material. Not completing the training will result in the Marine Corps turning off our access to e-mail and internet at work. This sounds more like a reward than a consequence but remember what I said about sense being common.

The cyber counter ninja training takes the form of a first person video game. You are someone going about their work day and gain points by properly responding to situations where information could be compromised. Yawn!

At no point do they allow you to take this guy’s cyber lunch money.

At one point during the scenario you are having lunch at a local cafe. The waiter approaches with the check. As he leaves he pockets your cell phone and the narrator asks: “Oh no! He’s taken your phone. What do you do?” Immediately a list of choices appears on the right hand portion of the screen. Among them are things like reporting the theft to your security officer, walk home dejectedly alone in the rain, and whine indignantly. Being the kind of person I am, I chose: “Go after him!”

A red X appeared on the screen indicating I had chosen wrongly. I was soundly reprimanded by the computer: “No, going after him could be dangerous! Report the theft to your security manager.” Naturally this set me off.

“Are you kidding me? I’m a United States Marine. I’m freaking dangerous! I doubt some waiter would walk off with my phone while my foot was knee deep in his ass.” 

After head butting the monitor I stomped over to my data ninja’s office. I let him know his MOS sucked and the stupid cyber course was for desk ridden chumps who never played outside as kids.

Gah! Madness and sissification!

America’s Angry SgtMaj

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  1. I just completed the same damned training and understand your frustration.

    My biggest peeve has to do with the active shooter training. If I can’t run or hide (the first two approved responses), is my three-hole punch or my stapler the better weapon if I’m down to the third option of fighting back?

    Since I’m on a military installation (chock full of active duty, retired, and cleared individuals who can be trusted with the Nation’s secrets but not self-protection), I don’t have a lot of options for other than hand-to-hand defense.

  2. It’s techy stuffs, so the lesson plan, and all it’s wonders, probably fell under USAF purview.

    – Grimmy

  3. ASM, We National Guard pukes had to go through all the same training that the “real” Army did…including silly stuff like driver’s safety.

    The last online class I HAD to take almost made me throw up. I had been a civilian copper for over 25 years and had been in traffic investigations…
    But I had to watch the stuff designed for an 18 year old who just bought his first Mustang 600 hp car at 46% interest with $200 down payment.

  4. I just did the CyberAwareness crap AND the active shooter training.

    The active shooter crap is so damn sugar coated that its next to useless.

  5. Ima, I had no idea there was active shooter training or that it was some kind of requirement. I shouldn’t be surprised.

    Grimmy, Americans used to be a fighting breed. Sigh…

    Jay, my own name is a kill code.

    CI Roller, I didn’t even have a drivers license and still had to sit through driver improvement class.

    Spike, I’m upset there is never a “hurl offender through the nearest window” option.

  6. Online training protects the instructors from your derision. Would be a terrible thing if the job “Civilian Instructor to the Marine Corps” was listed among the most hazardous jobs in the US.

  7. I like the “hurl offender through the nearest window” option, but it should come with an addition – “after drop kicking said offender across the room”….

  8. I build these types of courses for a living and I hate them too. Luckily, I haven’t been tasked to do another security training course in quite some time.

    My favorite courses to build are the language and culture courses for the DoD/DLI. I was an Arabic Linguist when I was active so I get to use that again.

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