Stupid Happens

Currently dealing with any number of incidents, issues, and other things I like to file under STUPID. I can always tell when a Stupid File is beginning to unfold in front of me. Usually they start with a sentence like one of these:

“What happened was…”filmstrip

“We were drinking…”

“I was the designated driver…”

“I thought it would be funny if…” Yeah, hilarious.

“We were doing some MCMAP…” Oh no you weren’t! You were horsing around!

“I didn’t think…” Yes, I already know that.

“I think there’s been a misunderstanding…” Indeed, but not by me, stud.

Amazingly, any and all of those sentences are used almost every single time in every single incident involving stupidity. Other intros are a little more incident specific:

“Well I had given him my pin number…”

“I had my knife out…” The beginning of a story destined not to end well.

“We were trying to see if we could…” This statement alone is enough to induce a small stroke.

“He let me use his car before and…” So this means now you are allowed to help yourself any time I take it?

“She doesn’t love him anymore…” Killer, she’s still married, one; two, if she’d cheat on him, she’s GOING to cheat on you, too.

Most of the time news of stupidity is delivered by phone. It’s another reason why I hate that malevolent harbinger of bad news. With the advent of modern cell phone technology I can get a call informing me of asinine behavior at all hours of the day and night. Technology sucks!

Here’s an example of dumb (hypothetically):

Spitefully, my cell phone awakens me with its incessant vibrating; driven no doubt by the unholy spirit which inhabits it. One bleary eye semi-focuses on my watch noting it is about two in the morning and I curse whoever is the root of this phone call with a pox upon their entire house. My poor attempt at answering the phone in a professional manner comes out like this; “Brhggrh…jkjdd..kill yourself…”

This is when the unfortunate Marine on duty has to deliver the bad news. In this case it’s that one of my brain surgeons had been arrested for DUI while attempting to leave through the back gate. Steely eyed and alert Military Police were able to apprehend him after he plowed into their parked squad car. Upon opening the car door to see if the driver was OK, the MPs watched our hero pour out on to the street like a bucket of wet socks.

It is one of those judgment calls which can only be born out of the bottom of a bottle of tequila. I take particular note of the genius it took to conceive and execute the idea to go out after finishing the bottle off.

Just another one of the many kinds of incidents which send my blood pressure skyrocketing to unsafe levels. Out here the stupidity can be ingenious in its ability to be concocted without the aid of alcohol. That is stupid mastery and a story for another day.

Semper Fi,

America’s Angry 1stSgt

/ / / /


  1. Oh, 1st Sgt… your way with words never fails to make me laugh out loud. And I am so stealing “stupid mastery” because it applies to certain people in my sphere of existence 😉

  2. Top,
    There’s “STUPID” and there’s “ARMY STUPID”. For a few brief days during our “summer camp” I was forced kicking and screaming into being the “Acting First Sergeant.”
    I’d rather fall on a grenade next time…you can have that job…We have really “smart” soldiers, but I’ve never worked with som many whiners.

  3. Just from being in the room during some of the phone conversations I’ve heard my husband have, and hearing him retell things – there is no limit to the stupidity that can ensue. For example:
    *My husband: You didn’t read the packing list? We leave tomorrow….What do you mean you don’t have IT? Do you check your email? No? And how is that my fault?

    *Husband: So, you woke up behind the car wash in a car and you don’t know how you got there?

    *Husband: What do you mean you’re missing half your uniform? You were wearing it when you left 8 hours ago……ok….so you took it off and you don’t know where or why or with whom…great….formation’s in 15 minutes you know, right?

    Sometimes, I don’t know how you (being the 1st sgt after all) or any other NCO, do it. I might kill somebody.

  4. Wow. That’s pretty bad man.

    And yes, I agree, those same things are definitely heard by parents everywhere.


  5. Burke…I think your face started melting after the first picture…heehee Don’t blow all your gaskets over one event…gotta save a few for later.
    Deeeeeeeeeep Breathhhhh….

    I’ve heard the “We were trying to see if we could…” opening more times than I want to remember concering a certain lifted Bronco and my son. It usually ended with, “the tow truck driver said he’d never seen anything like it…then the cops came and told us we were on private property…”
    SO see? Save a few gaskets for when you have your own kids.

  6. Stupid comments are not solely offered up by Marines. Here in Georgia one of the most often used last words are, “Hey, watch this shit…”

  7. Red, please feel free to use any of my one-liners. I always take it as a positive sign if my Marines start talking like me and using my words. Go for it!

    CI, I get that a lot from SNCOs. “1stSgt, I don’t want your job.” It does suck sometimes but I also get the opportunity to make a positive impact as well. The whiners think they are entitled to something for joining our ranks. Our tactic is to remeind them: “You joined us; we didn’t join you.”

    Becky, the scary thing is, it can get dumber. I choose not to relay some stories of dumb for the sake of decency. And I will admit that it takes a tremendous amount of will not to cause grievous bodily harm to stupid people. You have to remind yourself that even is you beat them within an inch of their life they’ll still be stupid.

    Songbird, indeed the dumb is boundless.

    Southern, oddly we had a conversation last night about how all the 1stSgts were masters of teenage parenting.

    Akelamalu, true, one must always be on guard for it. It happens usually when everything appears to be going your way. Then BLAM!

    T, although I agree it is similar to parenting; my kids could and have caused international incidents and federal crimes. Sigh.

    J, when did I become someone’s dad? I’m single!

    Coffee, that statement preceeds only the most stupid acts ever committed.

  8. as a parent I have heard several of those phrases…although no international incidents were imminent.

    1st sgt even though you aren’t a parent…you’ve been drafted into parenting…

  9. Well, stupid is as stupid does… or so Forest Gump was often told.
    Thanks for making me laugh! Good lord, I think perhaps that phone should be taken out for target practice?

  10. Kanani, my phone abuse is second only to my computer abuse. Sooner or later those demon computers are going to figure out that they are going to do what I tell them to do. “I said PRINT you wicked machine! PRINT!”

    Sgt Grit, thanks! Much has changed since your day but then again, a lot has stayed just the same.

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