Currently dealing with any number of incidents, issues, and other things I like to file under STUPID. I can always tell when a Stupid File is beginning to unfold in front of me. Usually they start with a sentence like one of these:
“We were drinking…”
“I was the designated driver…”
“I thought it would be funny if…” Yeah, hilarious.
“We were doing some MCMAP…” Oh no you weren’t! You were horsing around!
“I didn’t think…” Yes, I already know that.
“I think there’s been a misunderstanding…” Indeed, but not by me, stud.
Amazingly, any and all of those sentences are used almost every single time in every single incident involving stupidity. Other intros are a little more incident specific:
“Well I had given him my pin number…”
“I had my knife out…” The beginning of a story destined not to end well.
“We were trying to see if we could…” This statement alone is enough to induce a small stroke.
“He let me use his car before and…” So this means now you are allowed to help yourself any time I take it?
“She doesn’t love him anymore…” Killer, she’s still married, one; two, if she’d cheat on him, she’s GOING to cheat on you, too.
Most of the time news of stupidity is delivered by phone. It’s another reason why I hate that malevolent harbinger of bad news. With the advent of modern cell phone technology I can get a call informing me of asinine behavior at all hours of the day and night. Technology sucks!
Here’s an example of dumb (hypothetically):
Spitefully, my cell phone awakens me with its incessant vibrating; driven no doubt by the unholy spirit which inhabits it. One bleary eye semi-focuses on my watch noting it is about two in the morning and I curse whoever is the root of this phone call with a pox upon their entire house. My poor attempt at answering the phone in a professional manner comes out like this; “Brhggrh…jkjdd..kill yourself…”
This is when the unfortunate Marine on duty has to deliver the bad news. In this case it’s that one of my brain surgeons had been arrested for DUI while attempting to leave through the back gate. Steely eyed and alert Military Police were able to apprehend him after he plowed into their parked squad car. Upon opening the car door to see if the driver was OK, the MPs watched our hero pour out on to the street like a bucket of wet socks.
It is one of those judgment calls which can only be born out of the bottom of a bottle of tequila. I take particular note of the genius it took to conceive and execute the idea to go out after finishing the bottle off.
Just another one of the many kinds of incidents which send my blood pressure skyrocketing to unsafe levels. Out here the stupidity can be ingenious in its ability to be concocted without the aid of alcohol. That is stupid mastery and a story for another day.
America’s Angry 1stSgt