Star Wars: I hope the Empire wins

So the new Star Wars movie has come out, and though I enjoy good science fiction you won’t see me running around in a bath robe flailing a light sabre about in joy. I’m not exactly in a rush to go see it as I’m not fond of being stranded in mobs of people or standing in long lines. Then there are my other issues with the story itself.

I have to confess I am an Empire man all the way and am on board with restoring order to the galaxy. Those hokey Jedi extremists are nothing but a terrorist insurgency. Luke is merely a disaffected pawn who was exploited by Obi-Wan and Yoda to further their own extremist agenda. The pretentious Jedi are the reason the Senate became such an impotent body in the first place. Anyone who uses mind control to get their way can’t be someone the average person can trust. Besides, those classist jerks won’t even let you into their club unless you possess the requisite midi-chlorian count.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no fan of the Dark Side either. I don’t care where on the Jedi spectrum you fall, blaming the Force for making you commit heinous acts of heinousness is pretty weak in my book. I would have to dismantle Anakin Skywalker on principle.

Let’s also not forget the Rebel Insurgency’s holocaust on Endor. Their wonton destruction of the Death Star caused radioactive debris to pepper the planet and burn the forest moon to ashes. Poor Ewoks.

You can argue the Empire destroyed entire planets but I find their action justified in the face of the questionable integrity of any member of the Rebel Alliance and the fact Alderaan was nothing but a hotbed of insurgency dedicated to the violent overthrow of the lawful government.

In the face of such an extremist galactic anarchist agenda I would have to take up a blaster and enlist in the Stormtrooper Corps. As a matter of fact, I can’t find any evidence in the movies the Empire was oppressing anyone at all. The Rebels were lying the entire time!

As a trained swordsman, I also feel the Jedi suck at close combat with light sabers. As Galactic SgtMaj, I would start my own madrasa separate from the Sith and the Jedi. I’d introduce the light-tomahawk, an elegant weapon for a more civilized age. I might be the only Jedi type who walked around with a blaster on each hip too.

Don’t underestimate the power of the Disgruntled Side!

America’s SgtMaj

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