Radioactive Stupid #4

In FAST Company we periodically sent platoons to destinations throughout the Middle East. Most of these were training missions while a few were embassy reinforcements during the ‘Arab Spring.’

Whenever we deployed a platoon we staged their equipment at the Naval Support Activity’s area of the runway at the military airport.  Marines being the paranoid types we are when it comes to gear adrift, we always posted an armed guard on our goodies. 

One night as our lance corporal gear guard swaggered about his post armed with an M-9 pistol, he struck up a conversation with a female Sailor posted nearby on similar duty. In an egregious violation of General Order #7: Talk to no one except in the line of duty, our hero began to chat up the Sailor.

In between sharing tales about his inflated adventures during his short career, the LCpl also boasted of his physical prowess. At one point he even went so far as to kick up into a handstand and began to do hand stand push ups. This is when gravity took over and his M-9 tumbled from its holster and clattered onto the deck.

Having seen enough, the Sailor reported the antics of the creepy Marine to her immediate supervisors. They in turn, contacted said named Marine’s platoon sergeant. This gentleman was a bull necked thug with a tattoo which read GRENDEL going down one beefy forearm. It didn’t take a crystal ball to see where this was headed.

Eventually the handstand ninja made it to my office where he was counseled with vigor. If memory serves I advised him to use his head from something besides a hat rack, then questioned his cognitive ability to do so. Next I asked him how he was going to explain to his wife about how he got in trouble because he was flirting with a Sailor while on post. And by the way, if he ever approached said Sailor again I would cut out his liver with a sledgehammer.

It took all my will power not to bury a tomahawk in his temple. If only there a way to conduct a non-punitive trial by combat. I’m certain my disciplinary issues would dry up most riki tik. Naturally, I am always ready to enforce such a policy if needed.

A rack of counseling tools on display in my office. 

Semper Fidelis!
America’s SgtMaj

/ / / /


  1. 1. Got a bunch of guard post stories, most of which are at the 5 Sievert stupid level.
    2. Doing an overnight at a firing range near Camp Hansen on Okinawa.
    3. My company is firing up the best portion of the BN’s ammo allocation of 5.56, 7.62 linked, and 40mm. More stupidity: see #12.
    4. Cease work about 10PM and bivouac in place. Set guards on a massive pile of ammo crates.
    5. Warned guard force that there were communist protesters at the gate and the possibility of leakers in the compound. Per official policy, guards were instructed not to use their weapons in confrontations with Japanese civilians.
    6. First Sergeant wakes me up about 1AM with the classic,”You’re gonna like this, sir.” That is never true.
    7. One of my ‘brighter’ PFC’s spotted a leaker, put his rifle down, picked up a board and struck the fellow on the head. The clubbee fell to his knees, jumped back up and ran into the impact area.
    8. The Marine asserted he had done the right thing, putting the rifle down, per instructions.
    9. Meanwhile, his helpful squad mates were razzing him for not having crushed the intruder’s skull.
    10. Spent two hours by the fire, waiting for loud noises from the impact area. At sunrise, had my attached sniper team do a visual sweep of the impact area. Found nothing.
    11. The little man had disappeared and nothing more came of that. The First Sergeant and I decided that any more action on the matter would make us look at least as bad as the PFC. The issue was dropped.
    12. As for stupid, we were at the range to burn up our allocation of ammo so that we would receive the same amount for the next year. The tasking was to go out and shoot whatever was piled up on the firing line. One day notice. We set up and operate the range. Eat C rations and drink out of the water buffalo until we were done.
    13. What a waste. From my POV, even worse, we were chewing up our aged and delicate machine guns which we might just need for reals.
    14. After the first couple hours, most instructional value was lost and it became a chore. All of us were sour and a little ashamed of ourselves.
    15. The only thing worse than your story is a geezer like me hitting on a handsome young woman. Pure instinct, in my case. Would keel over from shock if she showed any interest. “You’ve got a thing for nasty old men? Eeeuuw!”
    V/R JWest

  2. JWest, the idea you had to expend all your ammo (or money) before the end of the year or you’d get less the following FY always struck me as strange. Trust the military to concoct weird lines of logic.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

you may like this post