• October 10, 2009
  • 14

Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance (and zombies).

GAINESVILLE, Fla. – The University of Florida’s response plans for a zombie apocalypse are no longer available for public consumption. University spokesman Steve Orlando said Friday the university removed a link to a disaster recovery exercise, which detailed how the school could respond to an outbreak of the undead. The link was taken down late Thursday afternoon. Orlando says officials felt the joke “didn’t really belong” on the site, which also included plans for dealing with hurricanes and pandemics. The exercise lays out the university’s response to attacks by “flesh-eating, apparently life impaired individuals.” It notes that a zombie outbreak might include “documentation of lots of strange moaning.” Orlando says the employee who wrote the gag wasn’t punished, saying that it was written by an employee to “add a little bit of levity” to disaster preparation discussions.

The fools!

We have a saying in the Corps: Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance (and zombies). While I applaud the university on its disaster recovery planning in the event of an emergency, I think it is utterly irresponsible of them to eliminate the zombie apocalypse scenario from their disaster preparation training. Not to mention inconsiderate to those who will no doubt be summoned to rescue these people from their lack of foresight.

That’s right; you heard me.

As soon as The University of Florida is inundated with shambling hordes of undead, everyone is going to say what they have said for over 234 years: Send in the Marines! No doubt America’s 1stSgt would have the dubious pleasure of being at the forefront of this rescue mission when personally, I would probably like nothing better than to witness a campus of university elites be devoured by a tidal wave of zombies.

I mean who wouldn’t?

Instead, the lives of thousands of response personnel will be at stake because this bastion of so called higher learning arrogantly believes that a zombie plague is a mere joke and not worth their intellectual time to consider combating.

When planning for emergencies I have found one thing to be immutably true: If your plan is zombie proof then you will be ready for any emergency imaginable. Think about it.

And for the record, if you’re with me and you get bitten by a zombie, it is my standard operating procedure to immediately ventilate your cranium. No speeches, no tearful goodbyes, no holding on to every second of precious life while I wait around for the infection to transform you into a ravening flesh eater. Nope, just one to dome then I take your water and ammo and bail out of there. I’ll cry later. Really.

Remember, during the zombie apocalypse, only head shots count.

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  1. Funny…I am the “Dis-Ass-Ter” planner for our police dept. One of the things I start out my training classes with, is a zombie invasion…if you have planned for zombies, you can handle anything.
    The zombie plan includes having firearms, ammo and training.
    Like in a major event, you may need to defend yourself

  2. Hey A1S – I’m guessing the movie “28 weeks later” did not meet your anti-zombie specifications? How about “Shaun of the Dead”?

    (recently voted most likely to be used as bait so the boyfriend can escape the undead hordes)

  3. I do believe that “Remember, during the zombie apocalypse, only head shots count” is the quote of the day… Cheers, 1st Sgt!

  4. Kanani, absolutely. The zombie apocalypse could happen to you while you’re on the road for goodness sake.

    CI Roller totally gets it. You can have a seat in my bunker any time.

    Coffee, not sure I subscribe to the flamethrower as the be stanti-weapon. With those running zombies that have been hitting thestreets lately you could wind up with a giant roman candle that is trying to eat you. I think I prefer the shot gun. Even if you miss thebrain you can knock them down with a body shot. Flamethrowers would be great for decontaminating a pile of deaders though.

  5. Paxford, 28 Weeks later was pretty good. I liked the scene where one of the guys was bitten the ol’ girl immediately worked him over with the machete. I thought it was a realistic reaction to someone being infected (realistic for a sci/fi scenario that is). I didn’t like the idea that the British Army guys had lost all discipline and had degenerated into a band of murderous thugs. America’s 1stSgt and his band of merry men would have carved out a sanctuary and hurled back the hordes of infected plague victims with well placed shot groups.

  6. Red, I thank you. But it all depends on what kind of zombies we are talking about here. In 28 Days they were running zombies that could be killed with body shots; the same with Zombieland. Your Dawn Of The Dead types on the other hand, they require a certain precision with firearms or a fire axe to dispatch.

  7. I have a question for you 1st Sgt, how could you call the antagonists in 28 Days/Weeks Later Zombies? Zombies are the walking dead, they’re reanimated corpses. In 28 Days/Weeks they were rage victims, they didn’t die. Good movies, but not Zombies.

    Another question, if you were bitten by a Zombie would you do a quick headshot or would you prefer to become a Zombie?

  8. There just better not be any zombies in my desert cause the first line of defense is the coyotes. ..but then the coyotes would eat my dog and my dog would become a zombie…and then…
    (Oh, I shuddder to think.)

    I’ll need you and Roller Dude’s plan for desert zombies. (because now I’m sure THAT’S what those crazy desert dogs you have out there are…ZOMBIES!!!)

    I hope you guys really have a plan for this.

  9. Jenny, your thoughtfulness is much appreciated.

    Sam, I think the 28 Days rage virus victims fall into the category. They’re blood spewing, flesh eating beasts that were once human. Besides, I think it’s easier just to say: “Run! Zombies!” instead of:”Flee! The rage virus plague victims are here to commit horrific acts of violence on our persons!” The headshot is preferable to being a zombie.

    Greenpoet, that is a very astute and relevant question. In thatsituation I think shooting first and asking questions later is wellworth the risk and could quite possibly make the world a better place either way.

  10. Wrexie, I know you own firearms so quit being such a baby. Besides, the whole point of the article is that if you are ready for zombies you are ready to deal with anything. So ask yourself what you need to be ready for the zombie apocalypse. I’m not hiking all the way out into the desert to rescue you. I can’t be everywhere at once you know.

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