Merry Christmapocalypse!

Once again we are waist deep in the season of Christmapocalypse. I introduced this special holiday season way back in 2010. This year I will be reprinting some of my Christmapocalyptic songs and poetry to get you in a festive mood. Today’s offering was my first and probably favorite Christmapocalyptic poem penned on Christmas day in Amman, Jordan. This version is updated since my promotion.


Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the area
The dead had arisen, spreading plague and hysteria.
Boards were hammered over the windows with care,
In hopes the undead wouldn’t break in there.

The children were frightened, hiding in their beds,
With visions of corpses eating the brains in their heads.
Mamma and I stood guard back to back,
Afraid to nod off in case of zombie attack.

When out on the lawn there arose such a sound,
Moaning undead were going to break the door down!
In came the windows with a thunderous crash,
We fled upstairs attempting to save our hash.

Moonlight and a blast of new-fallen snow,
Accompanied the hordes of zombies below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But America’s SgtMaj in full war gear!

With a shotgun fed by a drum magazine,
Violently dispatching the foe and wreaking havoc obscene.
The muzzle of his weapon erupted with flame,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them foul names!

“You hookers! You dirtbags!” he cursed as he fought.
As zombie brains exploded with a well aimed head shot.
He cleared the front porch! He cleared the front hall!
Casually bashing their heads as if playing base ball.

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
Zombies skulls were caved in or were shot in the eye.
Until none but the SgtMaj stood alone on the floor,
Our living room now dripping and covered with gore.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Heel stomping the head of a corpse that still jerked.
Surveying the scene he gritted his teeth,
Red mist and gun smoke encircled his head like a wreath.

Then he gave me the finger as his voice rose,
“You kind of suck at this! Your security blows!”
The glare of his eye and the way he spent lead,
Made me more fearful of him than of the undead!

He lectured us on gun safety and proper E&E plans,
Signed autographs for the children, his #1 fans.
“Kids remember, steady squeeze of the trigger, control of your breath,
 and only shots to the head will defeat the plague of undeath.”

Then he sprang into action and let out a roar,
Back into the darkness to wage zombie war.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he leapt out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

Semper Fidelis!
America’s SgtMaj

/ / / /


  1. You Peeps in Cleveland will sleep well at night
    Knowing America’s SgtMaj eradicated the blight.
    No need to cower with fear and dread,
    Zombies don’t live after a shot in the head.
    Though Cleveland has many miles to patrol
    America’s SgtMaj has things under control.
    The area is guarded, patrolled and more,
    He is backed by Cleveland’s US Marine Corp.

  2. Hooray, it’s Christmas!

    Your xmas waxings poetic are the trigger for me to buy my tree and start eating marzipan instead of putting it on the cake. I love this time of year.

    Hope you have a good one this year, ASM 😀

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