Meatheads. From what I’ve seen they populate gyms everywhere. If you’ve ever attempted to work out in what I like to refer to as a “chrome and fern” type of gym you’ve probably encountered them yourself.
Meatheads are the bulgy guys flapping their way through a workout on their massive lats using up the squat rack doing bicep curls and bellowing like they are being mounted by a rhino (and kind of like it). As they walk by you they magically inflate with the pixie dust of imagined superiority and isolation exercises. “Today I’m working nipples and kneecaps! Yeah!”
In the infantry it is generally accepted if you are covered in slabs of muscle then you can’t possibly be a grunt. Grunts spend too much time in the field eating cruddy MREs to develop the inflated physics of their box kicking brethren. As young Marines we used to try and guess other guys MOS’s by how big they were: “That guy must work in Supply. There’s a Bulk Fuel Marine. Look at the size of him!”
Meatheads have their own dress code. The other day it was apparently tank top day in the weight room and no one sent me the memo. All the meatheads in the gym had a tank top on and spent more time admiring their own awesomeness in the mirror than actually working. Apparently the more bulk you have the smaller your tank top is supposed to be.
Even better is the variant fashion of actually wearing a t-shirt and pushing the sleeves up. This style is usually practiced by meathead wanna bees who actually have no muscle tone to speak of but wish to admire the “pump” their arms get during triceps push downs. I even saw a guy on the hack squat machine with his sleeves up and openly wondered why his pant legs weren’t rolled up past his knees instead.
Trying to fit in I got on an ab working device once and rolled my shirt up past my chest. Strangely this practice wasn’t accepted by the meatheads nor the gym staff particularly when I began trumpeting my full rhino mount bellow in an effort to properly pump my abs. I guess the logic didn’t translate.
Having long since abandoned trying to reach any common ground with the meatheads I now keep to myself in the squat rack and take notes so I can laugh at them later.
In our gym on NSA Bahrain the king of the meatheads is a guy we refer to as Front Spread. I have been on base for almost three months and have not yet seen this guy in a uniform. He is only ever spotted wearing blue Under Armor shirts with a Navy logo and can usually be found personally training someone in the gym. At other times he has been witnessed flapping about the base speaking in meathead code to his brethren laughing like a neanderthal who has found a book of matches. He also fails to understand the concept that UNDER Armor is for wearing UNDER clothing and not an outer garment. Amazingly when he works out he strips of the Under Armor to reveal a tank top underneath. Who would have thought?
Front Spread earned his moniker while personally training one of his worshipers on the hack squat machine one afternoon. As his charge was blasting out reps big’un caught his reflection out of the corner of his eye and immediately struck a front double biceps pose shouting: “FRONT SPREAD!” Another meathead in a tank top said something unintelligible behind him and he immediately spun around hitting his buddy with another front double biceps and yelled:”FRONT SPREAD!”
I immediately left the gym and wet my pants in hysterical laughter.
America’s PT Monster