One of my Aunt’s favorite tales is Uncle Bob vs the Soda Can. Imagining my Jarhead father assaulting the stubborn can of soda which refused to yield its nectar to him never fails to entertain.
The story goes my parents were visiting her sister and had the run of the house while my aunt and uncle were at work. Spying a can of Coke in the fridge my dad asked my mother if she wanted any. The impudent can immediately defied him by not opening in the traditional manner. My father, refusing to be rebuffed by an inanimate object went to work with a can opener. It was merely a can of soda after all; it would open for him.
My aunt returned home from work and dad remarked he couldn’t figure out how to open the stupid can of Coke. My aunt replied they didn’t have any coke. Dad said she sure did and it was on the counter in the kitchen. So she entered the kitchen to find a mangled and abused can of Coke sitting on the counter.
“Bob, that’s not a soda, it’s a can safe.”
|It is regrettable no picture exists of the surviving soda can safe itself.|
I’m not sure when exactly it was I became my father. My aunt says whenever I am particularly stern or angry I look just like him (of course, when I roll my eyes at her she notes I look just like my mother). Once I was crossing a street and looked up into a pane glass window. For a split second it looked like my dad in the reflection. That’s when I knew the transformation was complete.
It follows I have inherited my father’s complete and utter hatred of inanimate objects which refuse to obey me. My old company XO lamented time and again he never had a notebook handy whenever I would denigrate my office computer for the loathsome paperweight it was. This was generally any time I pressed the “ON” button. My computer ninjas have had to advise me time and again that waving tomahawks in front of printers will not actually make the print anything. I disagree.
|This would so make you print in your pants.|
They might make phones smarter than I am but never as violent.
*UPDATE* As soon as I posted this my battalion Gunner had a catastrophic incident with the coffee pot resulting in shattered slivers of glass in and around the coffee mess. Fortunately, none of the precious nectar was lost in the incident. The inanimate objects are rebelling!