Horror Films Starring America’s SgtMaj

I’ve always thought I’d like to make horror movies featuring America’s SgtMaj. Of course, if I were starring in them they’d last all of ten minutes, half of it being the opening and closing credits. Here is a horror film you may be familiar with:
The Hills Have Eyes (2006) IMBd summary – Wes Craven produces this remake of his 1977 classic of the same name, about the Carters, an idyllic American family traveling through the great American southwest. But their trip takes a detour into an area closed off from the public, but more importantly from society. An area originally used by the U.S. Government for nuclear testing that was intended to be empty…or so they thought? When the Carter’s car breaks down at the old site, they’re stranded…or are they? As the Carters may soon realize that what seemed like a car casually breaking down, might actually be a trap. This trap might be perpetrated by the inhabitants of the site who aren’t pulling a prank, but are out to set up a gruesome massacre.
 
Being on a road trip myself currently, I can identify with our wayward travelers. Of course, if our mutant cannibal squatters ever encountered America’s SgtMaj, I think the outcome would be somewhat different.
The Hills Have Eyes (ASM version) – Traveling through the American southwest America’s SgtMaj inexplicably eschews everything he learned in land navigation. Finding himself stranded in the desert, America’s SgtMaj introduces the indigenous population of mutant cannibal sand people to the fundamentals of marksman ship.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! “Die mutant hookers! Die!” BLAM! BLAM!
Seems the most popular horror trope is always: Stupid people encounter flesh eating monsters. This is particularly evident below.
The Descent (2005) IMBd summary – A woman goes on vacation with her friends after her husband and daughter encounter a tragic accident. One year later she goes hiking with her friends and they get trapped in the cave. With a lack of supply, they struggle to survive and they meet strange blood thirsty creatures.

The Descent (ASM version) – A year after her husband and daughter encounter a tragic accident, a woman goes spelunking with her friends. Among them is America’s SgtMaj. As the group approaches the gigantic gaping sinkhole they intend to rappel into, America’s SgtMaj looks over the edge and declares: “I’m not freakin’ going down there! That’s stupid!” Bloodthirsty creatures slink back to their warrens dejected.

Roll credits…

Semper Fidelis!
America’s SgtMaj

/ / / /

4 comments

  1. Horror movies used to be scary, to me, when I was a youngin’.

    Now, they’re just irritating. You nailed it on the head, ASM. They’re not “horror” so much as “stupid people doing stupid things” movies.

    – Grimmy

    PS @ Ms Paxford:

    Please leave Radha Mitchell’s behind out of it. You know the scene I’m talking about. She’s sliding into that cave opening… which, now that I think about it, was pretty dang stupid. Still looked good, though.

  2. I’m not a fan of much horror – i dislike gore for gore’s sake, and am terrified of any possession/exorcism scenario (kind of ironic for an atheist!!) so i’d probably like the ASM remakes – bitesize chunks with a bit more common sense.

    That said, i want to see you do The Shining.

  3. Pax, I will see what I can do.

    Grimmy, I suppose there wouldn’t be enough drama if the characters actually behaved like real people.

    Mrs Salad, The Shining, hmmm… Will have to see about that one too.

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