• October 3, 2009
  • 10

Health assessments make us all crazy…

Before we deployed we all conducted a Pre-Deployment Health Assessment, this was to assess our state of health prior to deployment and to assist military healthcare providers in indentifying any present or future health care we might need. I suppose it makes sense when used as a benchmark to gauge any changes in our physical or mental health as well. After we fill out the questionnaire we also have to talk to one of our Independent Duty Corpsmen or doctors and answer a bunch of questions especially in the event we answered something on the questionnaire that catches their attention like:

I sincerely desire to go on a five state killing spree and charge all expenses to my Government Travel Credit Card.

If you check Strongly Agree they may want to come back for a follow up.

Currently we are in the midst of the glorious Post Deployment Health Assessment. This is to asses our state of health after deployment in support of military operations and to assist military healthcare providers in identifying and providing present and future medical care we may need. The information we provide may result in a referral for additional healthcare that may include medical, dental or behavioral healthcare or diverse community support services (this is pretty much all plagiarized right off the questionnaire).

Some of the questions simply ask how you would rate your health, if you had been injured or sick during the deployment, and whether or not you have any emotional problems, etc.

As America’s 1stSgt filled out his assessment the building veritably shook with the deafening running commentary that accompanies nearly everything that goes on in the company office.

For any of the following symptoms, please indicate whether you went to see a healthcare provider, were given light/limited duty (Profile), and whether you are still bothered by the symptom now.

Fever- NO!

Cough lasting more than 3 weeks.- NO! I guess that two week phlegm festival I had doesn’t rate!
Trouble breathing- NO!

Bad headaches- I’m having one right now!

Generally feeling weak- I’ve never been weak a day in my life!

Muscle aches- NO!

Swollen stiff or painful joints- Is this the geriatric test or what?

Back pain- NO!

Numbness in hands or feet- NO!

Trouble hearing- Can YOU hear me now!

Ringing in the ears- Why do you think I turn off the phone?

Watery, red eyes- Only after I watch Sands of Iwo Jima!

Dimming of vision- NO!

Dizzy, light headed- NO!

Diarrhea- Well I haven’t had a solid one in seven months!

Vomiting- I can taste it right now!

Frequent indigestion/heartburn- Have you eaten here?

Problems sleeping- Only when idiots knock on my door!

Trouble concentrating- What was the question?

Forgetful or trouble remembering things- If I didn’t write it down then it never happened!

Hard to make up your mind or make decisions- No, it’s hard to get anyone to listen!

Increased irritability- You’re kidding me!

After the entire battalion does this questionnaire on line they line up daily outside the Battalion Aid Station where they shuffle past the Battalion Surgeon’s desk like POWs answering a battery of questions the majority of which are answered with a sigh and resounding, No Sir or What! Why would I want to kill myself? I’ve been eating ice cream three meals a day for the past seven months.

The only thing that could possibly be more banal is being the poor guy that has to ask these questions to over 1200 Marines and Sailors. My sit down with the battalion surgeon went like this:

Swaggering into the office I found my doctor had begun to slump down the back of his chair in despondency and could barely be seen over his monitor.

“You ready to get this over with 1stSgt?”

“Is that one of the questions sir?”
Anything resembling humor had completely evaporated from his system 400 interviews ago. By now he had more or less degenerated into a bio-mechanical automaton whose fist had grown around the mouse on his desk forever chaining him to the demon possessed machine residing there.

“Do you have any medical or dental problems that have developed over the deployment?”

“I may have chipped a tooth while repeatedly head-butting the corner of my desk.” This comment completely missed his funny bone as the nerves surrounding it had turned necrotic and died.

“Over the past month have you been bothered by thoughts that you would be better off dead or hurting yourself?”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. You do realize who you’re talking to right?” At this point I was just another social security number the idea of America’s 1stSgt having been completely burned from his memory.

“Over the past month have you been bothered by thoughts that you would hurt someone else?” The sound of my breath hissing through clenched teeth finally got his attention. His head lolled in my direction.


“Oh! No.”

“During this deployment have you sought or do you intend to seek counseling or care for your mental health?” Having had Marines in the past with PTSD and Traumatic Brain Injury this issue isn’t one I normally joke about as my feelings concerning it are rather passionate.

Considering how much violence we endured this deployment though (that is to say NONE), it was the question that made me roll my eyes.

“Do you have concerns about possible exposures or events during this deployment which you feel may affect your health?”

This is the question that my medical professionals just love to ask as there are always a few Jarheads that are worried about the effects of being exposed to the Electronic Counter Measures devices on their vehicles or concerned about how many metric tons of dust they may have inhaled over the last seven months. These are usually the same ones who have no issue with having a cell phone surgically attached to their face or smoking five packs of cancer sticks a day.

The conclusion of the Post Deployment Health Assessment is by no means the end of the story though. Much like sequels to bad horror films, health assessments rise again and again. Some months after we get back there will be the Post Deployment Health Re-Assessment where we will answer all the same questions again. This is ends with one or two of the medical Corpsmen being staked in the heart to ensure they don’t become one of the living dead.

Then of course there is the Periodic Health Assessment which the military does with or without a deployment. At the rate we deploy now days I could be asked as many as five times in a year by a medical professional if I’m OK without there ever being any sign that anything is wrong with me in the first place. A lot of times the deployment schedule is such that the Re-Assessment for the last deployment and Pre-Assessment for the next one are conducted at the same time. How’s that for mind bending?

The next time I hear an “expert” on some news network talk about how we’re not doing enough to identify troops with medical, dental, or mental health issues I will openly wonder if he has ever had to interview an entire battalion five times in a year.

Even now there are units experiencing fare more strenuous and combative deployments than we are this trip. With any luck the health assessments coupled with assertive leadership will be able to identify those who haven’t realized they need help or too stubborn to seek it themselves. If it were a simple matter of paperwork we’d all be inoculated by now.

Semper Fidelis,
America’s 1stSgt

/ / / /


  1. There should be a comment section where you could add: “I answer NO to all the above; and let it be noted that a CAUSE all the above to my Ninjas and a few select officers. And if you need help or need to talk to anyone, Doc, my office hours are…”

  2. Top,
    I remember laughing at this stuff when we were leaving “Active Duty” from my deployments. It all seemed like fun and games …
    However, for the Marines that come home and stay in the Marines…they will be well taken care of….
    But, for those who come home, then get out…can you do me a favor please…make sure they know how to get into the VA when they can no longer go see the Corpsmen.
    I’ve run into so many returning vets who came home, got their DD 214, but had no idea how to get medical or other help from the VA.
    The Army National Guard was really bad at this.
    My feeling is, when a man or woman does their duty, but decides to get out after their enlistment, we still owe it to them to make sure they get what they need…

    OK, I’m climbing down off my soap box.
    Get back to work, there’s nothing to see here.

  3. >>>While serving in IRAQ, have you ever been exposed to the following:

    1.) Loud noises? Yes, no shit
    2.) Buring garbage? Yes, no shit
    3.) Sand storms? Yes, no shit
    4.) Vehicles that had been hit with deplated ur rounds? Yes, no shit.
    5.) Stupid people? Yes, no shit
    6.) Blood or other body fluids? Yes, no shit
    7.) Extreame heat? Yes, no shit
    8.) Small critters crawling on your skin? Yes, no shit
    9.) Had a friend or memember of your unit killed or wounded? Yes, no shit
    10) Had to suffer through stupid forms prepard by some REMF? Yes, no shit!

  4. Phil, you know, I used to get really pissed at stuff like that. When I realized that beating them to within an inch of their life really wouldn’t change their mind I just kind of felt sorry for them.

  5. CI-Roller, yes I think they fail to understand that I get more stressed out over this kind of rear echelon garbage than actually getting shot at. I suspect that they could use all the money they spend on the paperwork and buy each returning troop a bottle of beer handing it to them as they get off the plane and make more headway in the mental health department.

    Red, ah someone has to keep American paper companies in business. Southern, trust me, at the battalion level the doctors have no interestin interviewing 1200 guys who didn’t even hear a shot fired in anger alldeployment. In this case the Battalion Surgeon would have welcomed agood choke slamming if it got him out of another interview.

    Katherine, I try. Now days I figure prevention is better than a cure.Barring the need to interpose myself between Marines and any physical danger, I should be good to go until we take off in the next few weeks or so.

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