• October 30, 2009
  • 11

E.T. Counseling

Mike is still regrouping in tropical paradise; poor, unfortunate, half-day working jarhead. My heart bleeds. Really. But he did leave a few pieces in the can for your reading entertainment and reminded me of such last night in his typical Burke-like manner.

Gotta love ’em. For his saftey and my sanity. ;o) Hope.

Every wonder if they have 1stSgts in space?
Below is a counseling sheet I imagine would have been written by E.T.’s 1stSgt if he had one. And yes they tend to be written by 1stSgts and signed by Commanding Officers. Go figure.
I was inspired by a writing assignment I saw surfing the web:
Whilst visiting an alien world to collect plant samples, one of your crew ran afoul of the local sentient life, forcing you to cut short the mission and then subsequently mount a rescue attempt to retrieve said crew member. Write the discipline report for the crew member, whom the local sentients labeled as E.T.

So without further ado…


You are hereby counseled this date that you are eligible but not recommended for promotion this period due to a physical fitness deficiency directly resulting in your near capture by a primitive species.

This is your third counseling concerning your complacency and lackadaisical attitude toward your duties as Imperial Reconnaissance Sample Collector while conducting a planet-side mission performing preliminary Collections and Observation Operations in support of proposed future invasion by Grand Imperial Armed Forces. You also have been previously counseled that you exceed the weight standards as dictated by the Grand Imperial Medical Administration and have not met acceptable physical capability requirements.

During your recent reconnaissance mission you violated protocol in that you wandered further than 25 meters away from your sample collection team. When the mission was compromised by counter reconnaissance forces your lack of physical fitness resulted in your failure to promptly make liftoff and endangered the rest of your team. Your subsequent execution of the evasion plan was laughable at best and violated numerous articles of the Imperial Code of War. These include unauthorized absence; open communications on an unencrypted channel; violation of light discipline; conduct unbecoming an Imperial Servant; and you even managed to somehow gain weight, further violating the Bodyweight Composition Protocols.

It is forecast by the Imperial Operations and Invasion Administration that your questionable conduct has given the impression that the Grand Imperial Armed Forces are a troop of waddling, obese, space penguins (Ea-Tee in the primitive dialect) and are incapable of glorious conquest. Further ramifications of your irresponsible behavior have yet to be calculated and are preempting the invasion indefinitely.

You are required to immediately report to the Imperial Chastiser upon conclusion of this counseling.

Signed,Grand Imperial Commander Throm G.H.

/ / / /


  1. Y’know, I don’t think I would ever want to do anything to upset America’s 1st Sgt… I mean, if he is this harsh with poor little fictional ET, imagine what he would to do to me if I annoyed him! I shudder at the thought


    Only thanks for changing the names of the guilty and the US Navy so no one would know it was me. You’re such a softie, Mike. And considerate, too. XOXOXO

  3. Like I’ve said before, when we go to war (or checking out other planets) we have to go with what we have….and who we have…

    Wait,,, I have to stop laughing to get this entire thought out of my head…oh….forget it.
    Will there be a KBR chow hall in space? (Because I hope we don’t take Army or Marine cooks)

  4. LOL – That was great! Loved it!

    Perhaps it was for the best. What better way to conquer the primitives than to appear with our actualy Grand Imperial Armed Forces instead of “a troop of waddling, obese, space penguins”! The CIA would have a field day!

  5. Red, ET would booted out of the airlock for his failure to maintain height and weight standards on my space ship. Of course, a steady supply of brownies has been known to keep a tight seal on those pesky airlocks.

    Coffee, did you just send me hugs and kisses? I may have to rewrite that eval again.

    CI Roller, the idea of KBR in space is actually pretty interesting. I mean really, if we started exploring space in earnest sooner or later we would have to contract some of the work out. I wonder if the Moon is considered a tax exclusion zone?

    AL, it’s all about perception. How you carry yourself says a lot about you. Frumpy little space penguins could never conquer space. Imagine the shame if they took over the Earth! I shudder at the thought.

  6. Top,
    If you don’t have it, I can e-mail you the FM on “Wall to Wall Counseling”
    It’s no longer in print.
    …and the Moon will have to be a tax free zone…because they can’t tax us without rep.

  7. *Intercepted mission report from CIC (Acting), Kodan Armada*

    Attack on Zero-one-Zero-Sol to commence. All personal to be issued with Holographic Frumpy-P disguise. No opposition expected as per Z1ZS self-documentary (mark II) shows no firearms in evidence


  8. Well, I didn’t explain very well, but it looks like Paxford had the same idea. Prey on the barbaric locals’ misperception that we are all frumpy, fat, lazy slobs and take them over before they know what’s happened. Sorry, 1st SGT, I’m clear as mud lately.

  9. kanani, for chocolate addicts there is no before or after; only during.

    CI Roller, be patient they’ll figure out a way to make that legal soon enough and they’ll make us think it was our idea.

    Paxford, when you think about it, it’s a wonder we aren’t already enslaved by some space faring race platapus’.

    jenny, all anyone has to do to conquer us is to make us so dependent on them as to make us unwilling to work for a living or to take responsibility for our own welfare…oh wait…

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