Become a Martial Arts Master in 5 easy steps!

People often ask what is the best martial art to train in? What’s your favorite technique? How do you counter the over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder (or whatever technique you prefer)? Who would win, a samurai or a knight? The debate surrounding these issues are ongoing, pointless, and lame.But for the sake of those who think these questions are important, I will do my level best to answer them.

Q: What’s your favorite technique?
A: Accurate shot placement

Q: What’s the best weapon to carry?
A: A radio handset with an artillery battery at the other end. If you don’t think that’s martial arts then you are sadly mistaken.

Q: Is the ‘Death Touch’ a real thing?

A: Yes, but we refer to it as steady trigger control.
Q: How do you counter the over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder?
A: Do not let him get close enough to you to do the over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder. How? The best counter I know is the Flamethrower Technique. There is also the Runaway Technique. I think you get the idea.
Q: Who would win, a samurai or a knight?
A: A Marine and his rifle.Q: What’s the best martial art to train in?
A: This was best answered by Col George H. Bristol, the Marine responsible for creating the Marine Corps Martial Arts Program. He said all martial arts are good, it just depends on what you want out of it. He followed this by stating Marines train for victory on the battlefield.

So with victory in mind I will now deliver a period of instruction which will make you, yes YOU, an all American butt kicking machine in five easy steps. True believers, let me introduce you to the fighting secrets of Irish Judo…

Combative Secrets of Irish Judo:

Step One: Get a brick. 

It is debated that this in and of itself is often can be an awesome technique. Do not listen to these heathen lies as it is not Irish Judo.

Step Two: Get a sock.

Preferably a fresh one from the laundry vice one fresh from the locker room.

Step Three: Place the brick into the sock.

If you are struggling with this step ensure you didn’t mistakenly select a cinder block.

Step Four: Tie a knot in the sock.

Preferably between the brick and the open end of the sock, but everyone has their own style.

And here you have the final product.

Oh yes, and here is Step Five:

You will notice that the Bad Guy has been struck from behind with a vicious Irish Judo Chop. In mainstream martial arts this is called UNFAIR. On the battlefield this is called VICTORY. In Irish Judo this is called HEY, HE WAS LIKE THIS WHEN I GOT HERE.

Congratulations, you’ve completed the training. You are now an expert in Irish Judo and all that it entails.

Naysayers may make remarks to the effect of, “Yeah, well if you had to get in the ring with the heavyweight champion of Ultimate Knuckle-dragger Championship, you’d get your ass kicked.” This is without a doubt true. The difference is, I wouldn’t enter the ring just to have some bruiser batter my face with his lunch pail sized fists. If I did, it is more likely I’d bury the nearest fire axe in his forehead. Though I feel having familiarity with open handed fighting is wise, I assume there is a reason ancient man fashioned spears and eventually invented gunpowder. Thus, my preference is for weapons based training of all kinds.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy Ultimate Knuckledragger Championship as much as anyone. It meets all my minimum requirements in regards to entertainment, but as a means of modern combative engagement, not so much. Irish Judo, on the other hand, is a time proven method of conflict resolution.

WARNING: Do NOT try any of this at home. The personnel depicted in the above photos are TRAINED EXPERTS in the most lethal and esoteric combat systems known to man. Just looking at these pictures has taken a good 45 minutes off your lifespan.

No Irish were hurt during production of this demo.


America’s SgtMaj is a 2d Degree Black Belt Instructor Trainer in the Marine Corps Martial Arts Program and holds a 10th Degree Black Sock in Irish Judo. He prefers the bayonet to the spinning back fist.

Semper Fidelis!
America’s SgtMaj.

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14 comments

  1. I didn’t know the official name was Irish Judo, but I learned and used that style for awhile on the streets of Atlanta back in the day. I also had a 12” pipe that had a looped wire through it and filled with lead. The loop was use to carry the pipe by the wrist and so you wouldn‘t drop it during usage.

    But I had to give up using it because every time I tried to scratch my greased hair the damn thing would pop me in the nose. So for beauties sake, I had to give it up. Plus I found it was much safer to just stay at home. Reason number 287 of why I went in the Navy. I’m a lover not a fighter.

  2. Love it! Haven’t had a laugh all day. I’m Irish & have a brick right outside my door – I just got your lesson and am now ready to practice. Can’t wait. It may work better than my double barrel under my bed – but maybe not. Keep it up and down at the same time. Love Lorraine

  3. back in Brooklyn, back in the day we did this and no one told us we were Judo experts

    I always used a green sock – to keep it real and respect tradition!

  4. Coffeypot, as far as looking good goes, I always figure that the girls
    can only pick from amongst the survivors.

    Katherine, NOW you know. Carry on grasshopper.

    Lorriane, double barrel shotgun technique is perfectly acceptable. Both
    let people know you mean business.

    Southern Insanity, I’ve been told that you never hit anyone as hard as
    you’ve hit your own brother. One of you might not have survived Irish
    Judo.

    Diane, the difference between a martial artist and a street thug? The
    martial artist has about 50 techniques that he thinks might work. The
    street thug has about 6 techniques that he KNOWS will work.

    Anndi, Granny kept a brick in her purse. Duuuuuuuuuuhh!

  5. That is hilarious. Next time I get another Bruce Lee vs Muhammad ali question I am sending them your way. It reminds me of that Monty Python sketch where the recruts are being asked to attack the drill Sargent and he keeps countering with pistols, a released tiger,and dropped weights.

    I alway have thought the best two martial art training I had were ******do and High school track.

    The way I see it is as follow:
    Person fights “Dirty” to win.
    Winner gets to write the history.
    Person recorded in history as “Clever”. And history is full of clever people.

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