America’s SgtMaj Gripes About Star Wars

 

I know I’m late to the game but here we go…

 

*STAR WARS SPOILERS*

 

My issues with The Force Awakens are varied though I actually did enjoy the film. Among them are the way elements the story felt borrowed from the original trilogy. Oh look, a droid carrying important intelligence for the rebel alliance! Climactic space battle against gigantic interstellar war machine! That’s never been done before!

Since constructing Death Stars has already been done twice, it was obvious the franchise needed a new, planet sized weapon capable of depopulating whole solar systems. Starkiller Base was also designed with a fatal flaw that allows a snub fighter to cause the destruction of the entire planet vice merely crippling the mega-weapon it housed. Heaven forbid the designers actually learn anything from the last two ass whoopings. Wouldn’t want the small band of Resistance types to have to face an entire planet of Stormtroopers, the movie might last an extra hour!

Explain to me how this was a win for the Resistance when the New Order only lost one planet to their five? This makes a grand total of seven planets destroyed throughout the Galactic Empire as well as two moon sized bases. Imagine the social and economic chaos that would result if the United States lost seven major cities and two major military installations? I think what’s left of the Republic should brace itself for some Mad Max style anarchy on a galactic level.

By far my biggest grievance is with the Stormtroopers themselves. How in the galaxy are space commandos, indoctrinated since childhood, unable to get in step when marching around the damn place? I’m disappointed to see an army of galactic sturmtruppen move and shoot like a bunch of noobs at a paintball park. If I were the Galactic SgtMaj I’d so be force choking some of these First Order clowns. Could the lack of discipline in their ranks be because General Hux is only 32 years old? He’s a boot! Could the filmmakers at least trick us into believing the First Order has something resembling military discipline within its ranks? (By the way, I’m available as a consultant)

Am I the only one disturbed by how easily Finn is able to gun down his former Stormtrooper buddies? Are we to believe there is no esprit de corps among the troopers themselves? Isn’t the death of one of them a catalyst in his defection in the first place? Should the Resistance trust a guy like that?

And what good is Stormtrooper war gear anyway? Even I’m equipped with a mask that will protect against field concentrations of chem/bio agents, toxins, and radioactive fallout. Stormtrooper masks only filter smoke, what’s up with that weak sauce? Considering they can’t make a better Death Star this probably shouldn’t be surprising.

Finally, Kylo Ren. Enough with the man fits already, time to put on the big boy space suit and act like the dark overlord you aspire to be. Talk about a guy who needs a good Force spanking.

This is what happens when you lack a good senior enlisted adviser.

Semper Fidelis,

America’s SgtMaj

/ / / /

    5 comments

    1. Saw the film a couple of days ago. After 20 minutes of zooming, shooting, running, fighting I found myself wondering when the plot would begin to reveal itself. As the minutes marched on, a mere skeleton of a plot finally arrived and spread itself very thinly. To me, the character exhibiting the most depth was Maz Kanata, and I look forward to the possibility of seeing this character in future episodes. Mark Hamill was present but it would be a fair stretch to say he did any acting. Hamill is a deeply experienced voice actor and it would have been nice if the script even called for him to grunt, but it didn’t. By the end of the film enough plot threads, such as they were, were left unresolved that only future episodes can remedy them. I may not care to find out.

      1. shay:

        That’s because they are silly-ass vilians. They don’t understand. They will never understand. They don’t WANT to understand. They haven’t a clue.
        THEY ARE CIVILIANS, and what’s even sadder, they like being civilians.

        Our job is/was to protect them so that they may continue in their dream state.

        Paul

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