- April 28, 2009
A Need to Know Basis
The list of things I do not need to know is long and varied. But in particular I do not need to know certain things while deployed to areas of the world with a vested interest in my violent death.
I appreciate that you are worried about me. However, letting me know that you have a bad feeling right before I go on a road trip through IED infested roadways has an adverse affect on my whole lower GI tract.
Recently a friend said something like; “Be careful out there, I’ve been having bad dreams about you.”
WELL THANKS A FREAKIN’ LOT!
Now you’re getting ready to head out the wire when it abruptly dawns on you, “Hey! I’m MORTAL!” The next forty-five minutes are spent seeing if anyone has an extra SAPI plate they want to give up.
There’s nothing like a well meaning friend to cure your constipation. Imagine a sphincter clenching three hour road movement punctuated with thoughts of, “Is the IED going to hit now? How about now? Now? Wait for it…NOW!”
Or, “When the RKG hits us; I wonder what part of the MRAP is going to get it?” Just the thought of shape charge munitions rending my body to so much pulp gives me that warm tingly feeling. Or is that pee?
Then of course, during the helo lift back your only thought is wondering how spectacular the crash will be after the RPG takes out the rear rotor. “Oh man, oh man, oh man, it’s going to hit us in the squishy bits! I KNOW it!”
So friends, please, we who are forward deployed do not need to know about your palm reading at Madam Voodoo’s and how she prognosticated the imminent violation of our earthly bodies. By all means, keep that crap to yourself. Not only is it so much BS but it is liable to produce the opposite affect that you intended. Namely, it will take our mind off the mission at hand which is more likely to lead to something going wrong than all the tarot cards in the world.
All we need to know from you guys is when the brownies and chocolate chip cookies are coming in the mail.
And for those who need to know, I made it back to Al Assad in one piece. No thanks to you.